working and waiting

I quit my job.

And I don’t have a new one. Yet.

This decision was the most aggravating decision I’d been faced with since choosing to move to Seattle. I felt guilty that I was so pessimistic about my job. I knew that working in the hospitality industry could be a wonderful ministry opportunity. I repeated this to myself everyday.

When it wasn’t enough, I felt more guilty. Obviously my faith wasn’t big enough to see all God could do with my position and my job. I was definitely being selfish and prideful for not wanting to be in the same position I was in before I got the degree.

I tried. I tried so hard to stick with this job. God provided it for me after nearly two months of unemployment and e-mountains of e-mails sent to e-mployers. I felt like I was failing Him by not thriving or enjoying this position.

I also remembered the email exchanged I’d had with Dan from WitnessLA. He’d told me he felt the Holy Spirit’s moving to find me a job. I didn’t want to be ungrateful to God or those who prayed for me.

And then I realized how toxic the environment was there. Along with how much my worries centered on myself.

It’s difficult to describe the suffocation I felt during my time there. I am still having difficulty putting it into words. After some managers berated all the new-hires for mistakes made because we weren’t properly trained, I put in my notice.

And immediately I was relieved.

I did not make this decision lightly. Having grown up on the heels of poverty, this decision went against all my logic. As soon as I was old enough to work, I worked. This was how I could guarantee my survival. I could pay for rent, food, bills, etc. And my student loans are coming due soon. Of course, I need a job.

The one thing that concerned me most was that by quitting, I would be testing God. “I took a risk, so now You have to reward me with a blessing.” But considering how deeply concerned I was with that, I trusted God knew my heart. And I realized what my attitude and response really was.

I took a risk.

So I need You in order to live.

Working had become a stronghold, an idol, for me. I was bound by it. It was the only way I knew how to ensure my survival. I relied on my paycheck more than I relied on my God. It was the one tangible way I knew I’d be provided for: by my own hands. I think we took this stronghold down the day I put in my notice.

It was a terrifying decision, but I am at peace with having made it. Thinking back to that conversation with Dan again, I wondered if I might’ve slapped God’s hand. But instead of rebuking me for quitting, God seemed to rebuke me for other things. “Who says I’m not still at work for you? Who said My promise extended only to the job you just left? Will you trust Me to keep working for you as it pleases Me to do?”

God is still working. Amazing.

The night I put in my notice, I received an email from Mars Hill Church in regards to an application I sent in for the editor position. I could not believe the timing. I eventually had my first interview with them and am being scheduled for a second as I write this entry.

Right now—as always—my survival, my life, depends on my God. There is no firmer foundation than Him. I realized when I’d quit that I didn’t come to Seattle to work in hotels again; I came to Seattle to grow with God and serve Him in a way I couldn’t serve Him previously. I came to use the gift and talent He’s grace upon me in order to touch another soul. And another. And another.

As thankful as I am to be out of hospitality, I am still grateful having worked there. In a very eccentric way, God taught me and grew me to listen to His voice and re-evaluate my trust in Him, while providing for me until I learned the lesson and became ready to step into something new.

Here I am, jobless once again in a state where I am still new. I don’t know what’s coming next, but I know and trust that God does and is actively working to get me there. It is an absolutely terrifying position to be in, as I am in the wake of student loan payments on top of other existing bills.

Yet I am absolutely confident—more so than I have ever been—that God is working for my good and His glory.

The theme since I’d moved here was God telling me to take a step and see what He could do.

Here’s one rather large step.

I’m pretty stoked to see what God will do.

I’m in the middle of one enormous adventure. It’s alarming and scary and very exciting. And I’m not going it alone.

Please be praying for me in this season. I am excited to share what God does with it and to see where He brings me.

“They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you,” declares the LORD.” —Jeremiah 1:19

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One thought on “working and waiting

  1. Pingback: hemmed in | Along Came You

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