Identity Crisis

I am a girl that one man thought was not worth his time, money, or life. He told me I was unwanted when he left me to fend for myself. He told me I was unworthy of being called his. He taught me that in order to get what you want, you have to lie, cheat, steal. If it means marrying someone, having a kid with her, and abandoning them both and scarring their lives beyond recognition, you do it. But he also taught me another thing. Never meant to, I’m sure. He taught me what it means to love an enemy, to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it in the least.

But get this.

I am a girl that one Man thought was worth His life to save. He told me I was broken but not doomed, scarred but not disfigured. He told me I’m not unloved, that I can see Him because I am very loved. He told me that He can fill the void the first man left and so much more if I allow Him to. He told me there is healing for my heart because He is the ultimate Healer; there is love for my life because He is the ultimate Lover; there is salvation for my soul because He is the ultimate Savior.

He told me I can be His daughter if I accept Him as my Father. But I don’t understand what it means. How do I be a daughter to a father? How do I risk another father coming into my life and my heart when the first one shattered them both?

Two men. Two messages. Two very different definitions of who I am.

So who am I going to believe? They can’t both be right. And they can’t ever be reconciled.

Am I worthless, or am I worth the life of God? Am I unwanted, or am I pursued to the ends of the earth? Am I broken, or have my scars been turned to jewels?

The latter all sound too good to be true, but the former sound so hopeless, so destructive, so irredeemably dark.

So why are they so much easier to believe?

Yet the latter is actually what’s true. There is so much hope in those words, so why are they so difficult to accept?

My Father loves me. He loves me. Yet my father didn’t think it was worth his while to raise me. With such a father, how can I not crave the love of a divine romance? How can I not crave the embrace of hands once nailed to a tree for my sake? How can I not fall in love?

Have I been seduced by the Gospel of grace and ruined for all others? Yes. I have tasted ultimate love and what I never had can never compare. I have been called daughter and can no longer be an orphan.

There is a Man who told me I was worth His life. So I think it’s only fair that I give Him mine.

One thought on “Identity Crisis

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s