Psalm 143:3-6

I think every time I return from HK, this is my verse:

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in dark places, like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart is appalled within me.

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your doings;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You, as a parched land

After a great summer, I come home with doubts. Did I do enough? Did I earn their trust? Their affections? Did I give it my all?

It’s silly to wonder that. A love that can be earned is a love that isn’t worth my time and energy. And maybe I could’ve done more, but all of us could have.

So why do I have so many doubts?

I’ve always been a “doer” and have never quite learned to be a “be-er.” How does one sit at the foot of the King and just……. be?

How much of what I’m struggling with is lie and how much is truth? What is being asked of me?

I can’t read minds or feelings, but all I can really do is continue to give my heart. But not only that, I need to receive others’ hearts and God’s heart as well. Everything would be so much easier if I didn’t have to consider everything else. -.-

This entry is a mess, but so are my thoughts and emotions. Being back in America makes me sad in some ways. It feels like I left my home to come away for a few years. I haven’t talked to a single person in depth about the month. And I’m going to be telling a lot of surface-y cliff notes versions of the story before I’m going to be able to really hash it out.

I was asked to share about my experience during group last night, and I don’t know if it was lack of preparation on my part, or lack of experience, but I didn’t know what to say. What was my purpose for the month? To show God’s love and love on kids. Did I do it? That’s the part I had trouble with. Did I show Christ to the students and everyone I came in contact with this past month? Or was I just some random american passing through?

But thinking about all this…….. I can’t overlook how selfish I am. This trip was never about me and what I could do. It was about Him and what He could do. Did I really not realize it until now? I hope I stepped out of the way enough for Him to work.

Re-entry is so stressful. It was the worst experience I had upon returning two years ago, and it’s the worst experience upon returning this year.

I gotta trust that God will grow what He wants to grow and let go what I need to let go.

Oh boy.

Thursday 1:06pm 5 Aug 2010 – USA

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