The build-up of Father’s Day from all around her. The hype of June 20th coming and now going. The number of cards purchased in the last few hours. All this reminds her that she cannot join in the festivities.
All around her, others talk about trivial requests from their fathers for this day. They talk of ways their fathers have loved them, and the ways they wished their fathers would have loved them. That he obviously didn’t read the Five Love Languages (=P).
How much would I give to be in those shoes? The shoes that belong to the fathered. The shoes that belong to those who can say their father loves them.
How much would she give?
To be able to picture as a little girl a knight in shining armor with the face of her daddy coming to save her from distress. To be able to ride on her dad’s shoulders as they walked around Disneyland together. To be encouraged every time she fell down from learning to ride her bike as a kid. To have little disagreements about the boys she likes and watch as he scares the pants off whoever comes to the door to take her to In-N-Out and a movie.
But these things she can never have. In the years under her belt, the one gift she wishes for from him is that he wouldn’t have given up. He wouldn’t have left.
But he did.
He left. And he never looked back.
Though she may not be able to express love to a father she barely knew, she can be thankful for the physical life he’s given her that, in truth, came from the creativity of a Father who would never leave her heart lonely.
“When ‘important’ individuals go away we are sad, until we see that they are meant to go, so that only one thing is left for us to do – to look into the face of God for ourselves.” – Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest
In the end, it is for His glory. He calls her His. In every sense of the word. She belongs to Him. She is His daughter, His princess. He gives her the love she’s always wanted from a father and gives it freely and abundantly everyday.
Yet she doesn’t know how to receive it.
Love from a father. What is it like? How does one go about receiving it? How does one go about giving back?
Just when she thought she had her journey figured out. He’s full of surprises.
She has not been willing to let Him love her as wholly His. Loving in friendship, she understands. Loving as her Father, she has yet to fully grasp. Loving in marriage… that’s a whole new issue.
There is so much to learn about her Papa. And if she doesn’t give her whole heart into seeking Him, she will not receive anything from it. Her whole broken and dusty heart that only wishes to never stray but always does. Her whole broken and battered heart that has difficulty finding solace in His love. Her whole broken and selfish heart who keeps searching elsewhere for everything He’s already offered her.
Father’s Day 2010. I commit to learning about God as Father. My Father. There’s two more hours left. Plenty of time to start the journey.
It is not a fatherless Father’s Day. There will never be a fatherless Father’s Day so long as she remains in Him.