All the details of an event have to be worked out before I commit to it. Or it has to work so that I can have control over it and make sure things get worked out. It’s spelled out in my Type A personality. I’ve never answered to anyone, and any time I let someone else take over a group project, I usually have to do recovery work so that we can get an A. I don’t trust anyone enough to let my fate rest in their hands.
But God works differently. I expected to be at CSUF this Fall, on my way to a linguistics degree. Not only am I not in, but I might never be in. I had it all planned out, but I wonder if CSUF was just a passing season in my life. I’m not as excited about going there. I feel like it’s just passed. But who knows? I’m learning not to plan extensively at this point because God tends to rearrange things.
PSU, however, is looking like a good option. I have submitted an application, and I just need to get my transcripts in.
I’ve been really encouraged talking with Levi, Janna, and Rob as of late. We’ve all been talking about taking it one day at a time. God only gives us enough strength to worry about one day, and when we start thinking about months and years from now, it just gets exhausting.
Janna reminds me that God will rearrange our plans if our will doesn’t coincide with His. Whether or not I’ll be going to Portland, only God can know right now. When I think about going to PSU, I always think about all the details. I keep on not wanting to commit to PSU cuz I wanna know exactly what I’m looking at; what financial aid I’m gonna get, how I’m going to pay for it, where I’m going to find a job, etc. And I think God reminds me every time that when He told Abraham to go, he packed his bags and left.
And he didn’t even know where he was going.
Janna also shared what she was learning with me:
what God has been showing me is that even though we know what He is asking us to do, He has us where we are to prepare us for what He has planned
Even though the cons outweigh the pros as far as PSU is concerned in my eyes… I still feel compelled to go.
Rob reminds me that God knows what’s up, and tells me not to get too ahead of myself. When I think about something in the future, I will generally take it and run with it, and then in the present, I’m just surviving so I can get to the future. He reminds me that I need to calm down and trust God to take care of me day by day.
Levi reminds me of God’s faithfulness. I worry so much about the future, yet he left for unknown territory in a place he doesn’t like much so that he can be fathered spiritually. He asked me if I liked Portland, and if I’d move there not cuz I had to. I told him I like Portland about as much as he likes Springfield. =) It’s not that I hate Portland cuz I have great memories there, but I’m not going to be a fan of the rain or the lack of Chinese people and diversity in general. I told Amanda that if I go, I’ll be asking God for an abnormal amount of sun and nice weather. haha.
His situation isn’t too far from my own. The little ounce of peace that’s nestled in amongst the anxiety and worry tells me that if I take this leap of faith, God will bless me amazingly. I think it’s fitting that the peace is amongst the anxiety and worry. Where else should peace be? Amongst the scariness of it all, there is peace to calm the storm.
I still can’t commit to PSU yet. I’m going to take it a day at a time. If, by the time Spring Quarter is about to start, God calls me there, then I will commit to going and taking that leap of faith. So I guess, I’m going to commit to commit? Is that cheating? That still sounds pretty pansy, but you know… it’s all I can give right now.
As far as living goes, in about a week and a half, I’ll be moving in with some new people. God definitely knew what He was doing not filling in their spot just yet. My living situation had been so thrown up in the air that I just had to wait it out. School, too. Both of those seem taken care of now, so… I’m hoping the car comes along with it! =) heehee.
I’m back at Fullerton College right now. Janna tells me that God must really want me there right now. I got one class by some random miracle, and I petitioned to get into one other so I can postpone the payment for my loans a little longer. I got into that one, but the interesting thing is what happened before.
On the first day of class, I got out of the first one about an hour early and went to get food in the cafeteria. I was standing behind a girl in the cashier line, and when I went to find a place to sit, I spotted a space farther out than I normally sit. She happened to sit in the spot right across from that, and after she asked me to watch her food while she grabbed some napkins (she gave me some, too), we got to talking and find that we’re in a similar boat. She’s a 6th year, and I’m a 5th year. We’ve both transferred numerous times and got screwed over by budget cuts in the CSUs after we changed our mind about something. I come to find out that she’s a Christian but “not avid.” I’m not sure what that means; I’m assuming she’s just gone to church her whole life. Soon after, we realize that she’s enrolled in the class I’m trying to petition. O.o
So I wonder if God sent me to her. It’s kinda odd, though, cuz I dunno what to do about that. It’s weird to think that I can influence someone, but… I can’t exactly ignore all that. As far as what I can do… I’m going to have to rely on God because if it’s just me, it’s not ministry.
So that’s what I’ve been learning as of late. At this point… it’s time to get ready for work. -__-;;
peace and love!
Oh, yeah. God taught me a lesson in humility yesterday. I left for work 20 minutes late, and I was going about 80 on the freeway. I prayed for a good parking spot, and I was pretty sure I was gonna make it in time. I thought I’d be able to pull a miracle out of my butt and brag about it, but I forgot my ID in my car in the parking lot. I did get the good parking spot, but I was 17 minutes late for work. God showed me that He provides and showed me that I was too cocky and needed to be humbled.
I felt humbled. =)