waiting

The little ounce of peace nestled in with the anxiety of the whole situation has grown. I feel confirmation that when January comes, it’s time to go to Portland. That’s a scary thought. O.o And I’m still in the process of packing and moving for a local move at this point. -__-;;

I am tired of moving, and I think more than anything, I’m a little tired of waiting. Waiting for Portland, waiting for Hong Kong, waiting for this and that.

God reminds me at this point that there are two meaning to the word “wait.”

The first one is, of course, what I’m doing. I’m eagerly anticipating the arrival of something. However, as this happens, I need to be doing the other waiting.

To wait also means “to be in readiness for; be reserved for; to attend upon or escort, esp. as a sign of respect.”

As I wait for God to carry things out in His timing, I have the opportunity to wait on God and serve Him and learn from Him what is needed to carry out what I’m waiting for.

Am I taking advantage of that? No, not particularly. I’m such a future-dweller that all I can think of is “when this day comes, I will…” rather than “what can I do to prepare myself for this?”

I have a tendency to ask God if I could just fast forward through this part of my life and be in the next already. Welllll… God hasn’t altered time since stopping the sun for Joshua and delaying its setting for almost a full day. Soooooo my chances look pretty slim. =)

I’d better get to packing some more.

peace and love

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One Day at a Time

All the details of an event have to be worked out before I commit to it. Or it has to work so that I can have control over it and make sure things get worked out. It’s spelled out in my Type A personality. I’ve never answered to anyone, and any time I let someone else take over a group project, I usually have to do recovery work so that we can get an A. I don’t trust anyone enough to let my fate rest in their hands.

But God works differently. I expected to be at CSUF this Fall, on my way to a linguistics degree. Not only am I not in, but I might never be in. I had it all planned out, but I wonder if CSUF was just a passing season in my life. I’m not as excited about going there. I feel like it’s just passed. But who knows? I’m learning not to plan extensively at this point because God tends to rearrange things.

PSU, however, is looking like a good option. I have submitted an application, and I just need to get my transcripts in.

I’ve been really encouraged talking with Levi, Janna, and Rob as of late. We’ve all been talking about taking it one day at a time. God only gives us enough strength to worry about one day, and when we start thinking about months and years from now, it just gets exhausting.

Janna reminds me that God will rearrange our plans if our will doesn’t coincide with His. Whether or not I’ll be going to Portland, only God can know right now. When I think about going to PSU, I always think about all the details. I keep on not wanting to commit to PSU cuz I wanna know exactly what I’m looking at; what financial aid I’m gonna get, how I’m going to pay for it, where I’m going to find a job, etc. And I think God reminds me every time that when He told Abraham to go, he packed his bags and left.

And he didn’t even know where he was going.

Janna also shared what she was learning with me:

what God has been showing me is that even though we know what He is asking us to do, He has us where we are to prepare us for what He has planned

Even though the cons outweigh the pros as far as PSU is concerned in my eyes… I still feel compelled to go.

Rob reminds me that God knows what’s up, and tells me not to get too ahead of myself. When I think about something in the future, I will generally take it and run with it, and then in the present, I’m just surviving so I can get to the future. He reminds me that I need to calm down and trust God to take care of me day by day.

Levi reminds me of God’s faithfulness. I worry so much about the future, yet he left for unknown territory in a place he doesn’t like much so that he can be fathered spiritually. He asked me if I liked Portland, and if I’d move there not cuz I had to. I told him I like Portland about as much as he likes Springfield. =) It’s not that I hate Portland cuz I have great memories there, but I’m not going to be a fan of the rain or the lack of Chinese people and diversity in general. I told Amanda that if I go, I’ll be asking God for an abnormal amount of sun and nice weather. haha.

His situation isn’t too far from my own. The little ounce of peace that’s nestled in amongst the anxiety and worry tells me that if I take this leap of faith, God will bless me amazingly. I think it’s fitting that the peace is amongst the anxiety and worry. Where else should peace be? Amongst the scariness of it all, there is peace to calm the storm.

I still can’t commit to PSU yet. I’m going to take it a day at a time. If, by the time Spring Quarter is about to start, God calls me there, then I will commit to going and taking that leap of faith. So I guess, I’m going to commit to commit? Is that cheating? That still sounds pretty pansy, but you know… it’s all I can give right now.

As far as living goes, in about a week and a half, I’ll be moving in with some new people. God definitely knew what He was doing not filling in their spot just yet. My living situation had been so thrown up in the air that I just had to wait it out. School, too. Both of those seem taken care of now, so… I’m hoping the car comes along with it! =) heehee.

I’m back at Fullerton College right now. Janna tells me that God must really want me there right now. I got one class by some random miracle, and I petitioned to get into one other so I can postpone the payment for my loans a little longer. I got into that one, but the interesting thing is what happened before.

On the first day of class, I got out of the first one about an hour early and went to get food in the cafeteria. I was standing behind a girl in the cashier line, and when I went to find a place to sit, I spotted a space farther out than I normally sit. She happened to sit in the spot right across from that, and after she asked me to watch her food while she grabbed some napkins (she gave me some, too), we got to talking and find that we’re in a similar boat. She’s a 6th year, and I’m a 5th year. We’ve both transferred numerous times and got screwed over by budget cuts in the CSUs after we changed our mind about something. I come to find out that she’s a Christian but “not avid.” I’m not sure what that means; I’m assuming she’s just gone to church her whole life. Soon after, we realize that she’s enrolled in the class I’m trying to petition. O.o

So I wonder if God sent me to her. It’s kinda odd, though, cuz I dunno what to do about that. It’s weird to think that I can influence someone, but… I can’t exactly ignore all that. As far as what I can do… I’m going to have to rely on God because if it’s just me, it’s not ministry.

So that’s what I’ve been learning as of late. At this point… it’s time to get ready for work. -__-;;

peace and love!

//edit//
Oh, yeah. God taught me a lesson in humility yesterday. I left for work 20 minutes late, and I was going about 80 on the freeway. I prayed for a good parking spot, and I was pretty sure I was gonna make it in time. I thought I’d be able to pull a miracle out of my butt and brag about it, but I forgot my ID in my car in the parking lot. I did get the good parking spot, but I was 17 minutes late for work. God showed me that He provides and showed me that I was too cocky and needed to be humbled.

I felt humbled. =)

pre and post "Smile"

I wrote this in a message, and I think it gives some good background to my last post as well as things I continue to learn even after writing it (I wrote the message after I wrote the journal entry).

here we go:

Well, it’d been about a week or so since I’ve read my bible. That’s pretty important for you to know. I’ve really been half-assing it this whole time. It’s a chore for me, it seems. I’m sure a lot of people have felt that.

Today I continued where I left off on my adventures through Exodus and Luke. I read the section regarding Moses’ calling. I’ve read that many times. I thought I knew all there was to know. But it never works out that way, does it?

Anywhoo, all the times I had read it before, I had always noticed Moses’ reluctance. I don’t even remember much of what God said, except that He would strike against the Egyptians. Am I painting a good picture for you so far?

This time, I was pretty surprised at what I read. God said He hears the cries of the Israelites and is concerned for them. He says He’s watched over Israel, and that He will be with them. He’s seen what’s been done to them, and promises to bring them out of their misery.

I went through the birth of Jesus in Luke today. His audience wasn’t much for the birth of God. A carpenter (that’s what Joseph was, right?) and his wife and three shepherds and a buncha farm animals.

I started journaling about a scene I had seen in my mind yesterday night with me free-falling backwards from a cliff. I think my meeting place with Jesus had always been a cliff as a symbolism of leaps of faith I’d have to take. But anyway, as I was journaling, I thought I had painted the picture of what I had seen yesterday, but then the scene continued before my eyes and I penned it down.

I realized when I was journaling that I had been looking at Jesus with the wrong eyes. Even now as I wrote what I read to you, I saw some more of how much I seemed to have misunderstood Him. I was scared of Him. I wanted to do things that I thought He wouldn’t condemn me for. I was afraid that He’d turn His back on me, so I kept trying to DO things.

But that’s not what He wants. And He’s not one to do that. Even in the OT, where God is often thought of as “scary” and “vengeful” to people, He says He hears the cry of the people He loves. And during the birth of Jesus, there weren’t war-driven chariots that announced His coming with fire and destruction. He was surrounded by ordinary people.

The rest I’ll write in my notes cuz I don’t think I’ll be allowed to send it here (too long).

It’s strange what happens when scales fall from your eyes, and your perspective changes.

Smile

Arms wide open, allowing all she holds to fall to the ground. She falls backwards, eyes closed, arms stretched out; it is up to Him to save her, and she believes He will. Her descent begins, and she wonders if she might hit the ground before she is saved. As she ponders this, strong arms wrap around her limp, falling body, and she feels the softness of the wings that caress her cheek. She opens her eyes.

There He is. He smiles at her with the most genuine smile she has ever seen in her life. He takes her back up to their meeting place. The jewels He had given her were among the things she dropped before she took her leap of faith. He had placed them in a pouch, and He placed it around her neck. He has caught the things worth catching. She looks about and sees that there were tiny boxes that had been scattered about. The temptation is there to pick them up again, and her hands would be too full to accept what He wants to give her. Her hand twitches, and she squeezes her eyes shut. He placed an arm around her. She turns, and He smiles again. She will be fighting the temptation for the rest of her life to protect herself and survive, but He reminds her that the things she needs, He will provide. He has heard her cries, seen her oppression, and He wishes for nothing more than to release her and let her live through Him.

A shackle reaches from behind and clasps around her ankle. Behind her is an ominous cloud of fire and darkness. A figure looms within, hoping to seduce her and make her pull away from the Man who wants to protect her and who is the only one that can.

The arm around her shoulder is comforting. He tightens His grip as, for the first time ever, she sees it clearly: He’s holding onto her to keep her with Him not only for her sake in her physical and emotional well-being, but also because He wants her to stay with Him. A pained expression etches across His face as He closes His eyes and braces Himself for the possibility of losing her again and the crumbling of His heart that would come soon after. A stray tear falls down His cheek.

How much has He been hurting? How much has she been hurting Him? Yet His heart still beats, and He still pursues after her with all His strength and passion. His grip on her loosens as He braces Himself for her decision. She grabs His hand again and squeezes it for strength.

“This is our special meeting place, and you’re not welcome here!” she screams at the top of her lungs as she turns around to meet the shadow. She locks her gaze on it and glares, but she has no strength apart from her Savior. He turns around, a surprised but relieved look resting on His face. His gaze fixes on the shadow as well. The shackle released its hold on her ankle, and the shadow shrinks. The fire doesn’t burn as big or as brightly as it had just seconds ago. At the authority of the Son, his strength crumbles. She knows he will come after her at her lowest and most desperate moment, however, and she must be ready to face him. She must hold onto her Father’s hand as tightly as she is now.

As she watches the shadow fall to his knees, she realized that both her hands were tightly grasping the hand of her Jesus. Embarrassed, she began to loosen her grip and return His hand to Him. In an instant, He grabs her wrist and pulls her into Him. He hugs her tightly, thankful that she chose to stay with Him.

She realized at that moment as she sank into His hug that she wanted Him to always have this expression. She never wanted to see the pained expression she saw earlier.

What can she do, though? How can she make sure He’s always smiling? She thinks back to all the things she had wanted to be. Why did she want those things? To feel like she’s doing the right thing, so that He wouldn’t condemn her; yet when no one was looking, what did she do? These were not the right reasons to do those things. The fear of rejection from others, condemnation from Him – she was so wrong. She had been looking at Him with the wrong eyes. Before her is a Man who chose to die for her – the one He loved. The hand that fights the enemy and strikes him down is the hand that also wipes her tears away. The eyes that glared at their opponent and hold all authority are the ones that look lovingly upon her and see only her. His body was broken for her. His ears heard the ridicule meant for her as well as the cries of her very soul.

This man is to be loved. She should not be scared of Him. This should not cause her to “do” things and live a life of survival.

She wants Him to continue smiling at her like this. She wants Him to always be smiling.

Because she loves Him.