i miss you, and i love you.
I’m sorry. I’m sitting right next to you, and I still choose to sin. But… please don’t let me go.
Child, let me in. Come to Me when you are burdened and tempted. I will relieve your burdens. I will be your strength against temptation. Let me in to the deepest, darkest parts of your heart. The parts that you hide from the world, the parts that drive you to sin.
The deepest, darkest… the parts I don’t want others to see. I don’t want You to see them either. To see the blackness of my heart, to show You the most vulnerable, the most scarred… is to show You a broken and weak heart.
This heart is where I make my throne. Where it is weak, I will make it strong. Where it is sinful, I will make it pure. Where it is scarred, I will make it beautiful. Where it is broken, I will make it whole.
My heart drives my thoughts. My thoughts drive my heart. To let You into one is to let You into the other as well. Will You hate me when You see these places? Will You abandon me? Will You forfeit this weak child?
See the wounds on my hands, the wounds on my body. I endured it all so I might find you, to bring you to me. I accepted it all to ransom you.
Was it worth it? The pain, the torment, the undeserved punishment. Was what You got worth it? Separation from the Father, abandonment from the world. Was I really worth it?
You are worth every drop of blood I shed, every tear I wept. Every strike, every shun, every word of ridicule, every trial. My child is worth more than these.
How can You be so sure? I’ve failed you so many times when You’ve never failed me once. Why haven’t You abandoned me? You have every right to.
Child, I have bigger plans for you that outshine you 40 years in the wilderness. You wander now, and you get off track. I am always with you, and I will guide you to a road that won’t leave you ridden with guilt. I will lead you to a road where you will experience my joy, but you must choose to walk upon it. Oh, how I wish for you to dance in my joy.
Joy against pain. Purpose against emptiness. Living against existing. Courage against fear. Success against failure. Love against hate. What do I have to do to gain this? To dance in Your joy?
Feed my sheep. Love my children. Lead them as I lead you. Love them as I love you. Forgive yourself. The spirit is what is strong. So come to Me. Don’t hide your heart from me. And use it to love my sheep. And to love your Shepherd.