Portland holds a special place in my heart. As I was landing, the feeling was a little different this time. When I visited the first time, I think I was still so attached that I felt like I was coming home. At that time, I was also wondering if I had made a mistake in leaving… which was a step up from before when I wondered if I had made a mistake in attending.
I guess I just went down a fork from the road I was walking. What would’ve happened had I stayed at Multnomah? I am not going to consider what would’ve happened had I never gone because my experiences and my year at Multnomah is one of my most treasured times in my life. The second semester was difficult for me, but I always had amazing support from the faculty and staff and my amazing friends.
Seeing the familiar faces of Beatrice, Amanda, and Aaron made me feel like we picked up where we left off. But then… hearing stories about the lives of people I had known and how much it changed made me feel like I missed so much. I guess it’s kinda like what they told us during training when I was getting ready to go with ELIC in the summer: Our lives fork off for a while, and when they come back together, life kept happening for them like it did for me, and we have to learn to walk on that current fork together. I really worded that awkwardly, but well, whatever.
There are bitter memories, sweet memories, bitter-sweet memories. But that comes with any territory.
Taking a weekend off from work was great, though. I’ve only been back for about 2.5 months… but I’m exhausted. I’ve never experienced drama from the schedulers or schedulers lying about us to our managers. I guess I’m gonna be in the middle of that right now.
But even so… all I can do is stay in this job. In my most difficult moments, I got a job out of nowhere. It’s Disney. It was pretty much guaranteed. But I got my jobs within 3 weeks of applying vs. 3-4 months or more that everyone else waited.
Still….. I’m burning out so badly already. This week with finals, I was about ready to collapse. If I hadn’t taken the time out, I have no clue how I would’ve handled it.
I don’t know what I’m going to do in the end. I’m not going to quit without having another job… I don’t have the luxury to do that. Still, we’ll just have to see what God says, I guess. This semester was okay being in junior college and all. But… will I be able to handle it trying to take classes at CSUF in the Fall and Summer? I really don’t think so. My GPA has dropped significantly since leaving Multnomah. I’m thankful I still have financial aid. Hopefully no loans from here on out. Got enough of those as is.
I miss Portland. And Multnomah. But at this point… after 3 years of school elsewhere, it’s too late to transfer back. I don’t think God’s got me there anymore either. If I want to go overseas, I can’t expect that I’ll be surrounded by Christians 24/7. A state school will really help with that, I guess.
When you look back at my last few years of college, it really looks like a bunch of detours that I made, but I think that… it really was a straight road I was taking. Every school offered a season of growth and transformation for me. We’ll break it down here:
Multnomah: spiritual growth, physical independence, and spiritual IN dependence
FJC: reality check, break from freaking out
Hope Int’l Univ: spiritual testing, growth in discernment, learning to love (REAL difficult, I think)
CSUF: to be determined
I feel extra displaced now, I think. Dang.
Portland isn’t home for me. At least not right now… who knows, maybe I’ll retire there or something. But Portland is a very special place in my heart.