eyes to see

“When ‘important’ individuals go away we are sad, until we see that they are meant to go, so that only one thing is left for us to do – to look into the face of God for ourselves.” – Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

It is strange that she is alone. She has not had her father in her life for many years. She does not know who he is, what he stands for. Yet it breaks her heart to see him leave her behind. Her mother she loves dearly, but she has also failed and wounded her heart. She loves her but feels as though she cannot trust her like she used to.

Yet in all of this, she has not felt particularly lonely. She has not felt that she is left alone in this world. Her family has changed so that she can more easily see who God is without having to look through the lens of other people. If she tried to see God in the relationships she’s had with various people, she would never see Him for who He is.

He is the only one in her life story up till this point that has never left her behind or failed her. He breaks her rock-solid heart in order to mold it and give her one that is whole and beautiful.

She hopes that at least her mother would come back into her life as a more permanent presence, but more than anything, she hopes her mother will run with all her desperation and need into His arms. He misses her more than anyone else, including this daughter she has. His heart has been broken, but He will see it to be worth it when she comes back to Him. What is it going to take?

No matter what happens in the future, she knows that He is the only one that she can and should love with all her heart, mind, soul, and strength. And she can see Him clearly now without any disturbances that filter His image to her heart. She can see His face as it is: one of a Father, a Friend, a Lover. Her lenses are her own eyes.

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life’s storms

“It’s a choice in your mind to tell your heart that no matter what you’re going through, God can still be glorified in that circumstance because He can. It is only whether you have the eyes to see it and the will to allow it.” – Pastor Derek Ma

In the labyrinth of her mind and heart, she seeks the way out of the messiness of her emotions. God can be glorified in this circumstance. How? Only He knows, but she must step aside and allow Him access to her heart. Healing cannot be done apart from Him. In this healing, she will discover what He seeks from her.

These emotions are not the end all, be all. This time she is walking through is not the end of her story. God has not calmed the storm. This is likely the most uncomfortable storm she has ever attempted to sail through. But He is meeting her where she is. He is not removing her from the storm, He has come into the storm with her.

With Him, she is safe. She must learn to see past the waves that beat about in front of her — the waves of heartache, longing, despair, emotional sufferings, desires — the waves that block her from seeing her LORD. He is in the storm with her. She wants to let Him on her boat. She wants Him to steer her to where He wants her to go.

He desires to heal her heart, to present her with one made of malleable flesh. In order to do so, He must break the rock-hard heart she has given herself. He has, and it hurts. But after He is finished, her heart will be one that can love exponentially. She will be able to love from her entire heart, not just the parts she allows others to see: the parts that are still unscarred as a result of the defense she has built around them.

Her heart beats and cries for China, for Hong Kong. Give me the youth of Hong Kong. Let me not be remembered as anything more than a girl who loved others because she love You the most.

In her mind, she sees her heart shrouded in a veil. She’s afraid of showing it to others, fearing the sneers and criticism she will receive when they see the battered little heart that should have nothing left. She would rather leave it there so no one would know just how many scars and cuts and bruises made home there.

But He wants her heart. The heart that had been trampled on and forgotten about is the heart that the King of the universe wants to set His throne upon, to make His home in. Beneath the veil, He reveals to her a heart that is whole, a heart that is radiant, a heart that is beautiful.

This is her heart. The scars that were once adorned on its surface have been healed by her Savior. These storms that were meant to batter and break and dirty this heart have caused it to shine even more radiantly than it once had.

This is her heart. This is His home. There is still healing that must take place before He can send her to her people to do His will. Her people will not know her as His did not know Him.

But He knows her.

And He will meet her in the storm.

Yours

When she feels as though she’s better off not having her heart than feeling the pain that dwells deep inside it, He reminds her that hers is the heart He died for.

Hers is the life He died for.

And now, she’d like to say to Him… “Yours is the heart You died for. Yours is the life You died for.”

My heart and my life is Yours wholly.

Reflections of Catalina

When the week began, she was excited to reunite with the one friend she made last year. She came with the attitude of a student, and the bible was once again her textbook. She knew what to do, how to find things, how to be a biblical scholar.

But this isn’t what she wanted.

To treat the story of her Savior as merely a history book or an account written by some guy belittles what He did for her. She cannot allow herself to grow numb to it. She wanted more than anything to feel the words come alive off the page. Sitting and catching up on the boat, her friend told her that Mark study changed his life last year. That was something she couldn’t quite understand, and it convicted her even. She wanted it to change her life, too.

At the beginning of the week, loneliness swept over her, and she felt as though she was left on a life boat drifting in the middle of a squall. To be attacked so strongly and so quickly told her that God promised to teach her something amazing this week, and the enemy did not want it to happen. Even so, she prevailed because of who He is. She cannot take credit for it, as she nearly broke down and lost it when the week was still just beginning. She can only boast in Him who gave her strength, who proves over and over that He is God, and He is in control, and He has won the war.

To have learned what she had… to have the thought put on her heart in the weeks leading to this one… to be able to carry out what she’s found… these are all gifts and promises from God that He wants to heal her wholly and make her an entire person: to mend her heart so that she can love from all of it and not just the parts that feel comfortable. This is the gift He wishes to give her: a heart that is flesh and tender, a heart that is whole.

Forgiving her father… she never thought she needed to. He had departed so early and abruptly from her life and growth that she felt he was a stranger anyway. But a stranger would not be able to wound her heart so mortally. He is not just a man who hurt her. He is a man whose responsibility was to raise her and love her, and he threw it all away along with her. He is a man who left her to fend for herself when she needed a father the most. He is a man who broke her heart and shattered it to pieces.

To pray for him? To forgive him? To… love him? Who am I that I can do such a thing? It is by the love and mercy of God that this daughter is called to do such. And it is by His strength alone that she can pray blessings to a man she would rather curse for eternity.

Even so, as the week went by, peace began to heal her heart. It is painful to pray for him. To pray against the wrongs he’s done and possibly still doing… that’s simple. That is something she can do. To pray blessings on the man who trampled on her heart? To pray blessings on the family he replaced her with? How can she? They are the hardest prayers she will ever have to pray.

She feels, however, that if she can forgive this man, she can do anything. She knows deep within that her unforgiveness of him and her anger that boiled into hatred will poison the fruit He wants to grow in her. She wants to be fruitful for Him. She wants more than anything to be made whole.

Her response is that she will continue to pray for this foreign family in her life that she may receive healing from it. And when she sees His fruit and His healing, she will not hesitate to shout it to the mountains.