when i look at my life sometimes up till this point… there are loads of places where i was just walking in the rain and hoping I didn’t get struck by lightning. Whenever lightning did strike, though… it seemed like God always provided shelter.
It’s no mystery that my life has been complicated and downright difficult, but I think that it’s a blessing from God that I can say that I wouldn’t trade it for any other life in the world. Yeah, I’ve written stories where my character will end up with a great life, but I always seem to throw random crap at her just so she can seem more real, I suppose… build character.
But my life isn’t a storybook. It breathes, eats, and needs shelter. I think that one of the biggest things that have been worrying me lately is just financially, what’s going to happen. I’m worried about making rent, and I’m worried about surviving. Of course, in hoping to survive, I forget to live.
I think that God’s been trying to teach me lessons lately that I just don’t want to learn. I think about how I’d been able to pay rent before no problem, and it’s up to me to do it. But I had a thought the other night when I was talking with Jen. I had come close to homelessness before… heck, I was pretty much homeless when I came back from Portland. But yet somehow, God provided a roof over my head. I might’ve lived in a garage, bummed off friends, and eventually rented a room, but no matter what, God gave me a roof over my head, and I think as this memory keeps coming up, God is trying to remind me that He’s provided this before, and He’ll do it again.
So why I can’t have faith in that… well, I guess that’s a very human reaction. I want to be able to take care of myself. Even though God wants to take care of me. I suppose it’s still difficult for me to let anyone take care of me. I’d been in the Martha role for so long, I don’t know how to just sit and learn like Mary.
But God’s got a plan, and it’s fool-proof. And if God really does want me to go overseas, then all this stuff in the middle will work itself out somehow.
I guess I’m finally learning how to dance.