I feel like I don’t have enough faith or hope to go through all this, although, I’m really trying to believe and trust in God’s plan. God’s timing is so strange. Nothing’s going to get me out of this strange and awkward place except a miracle from God.
It comes time to test whether my joy these past few days and weeks was really joy, or if it was just happiness. If it was joy, I want to keep it flowing. If it was happiness, I want joy.
My hand holds a fourth jewel. Discovered it the other night. It’s red, and I’m not sure what it is. I’m not clear on 2 of them.
My mom says she wants to move out. This is probably the third time. I don’t quite know how to handle that cuz it seems like an answer to my prayer these past 2 years, but during this crazy time where things are more uncertain than they already were… God’s timing is strange. During this time when my mom’s income is not enough to support herself, let alone me… this time when I don’t have a job to support anyone… this time when my mom’s credit and income alone cannot give her a place to live… what’s going to happen?
It’s difficult for me not to worry. I mean… it’s my mom and I we’re talking about. But what scares me is whether or not I’m going to fall hardcore and emotionally break down like the last time she told me she was moving out. I don’t want to get caught up in it, but I can’t turn her loose to the world.
I’m trying to convince her to move back overseas. She has no confidence in herself, however, to find a job there. She also said she needs to pay back the PLUS loan for my college. That part feels like it’s my fault. Although I know it’ll pay off, it hurts me that she had to take out so much for me to finish.
What God’s trying to teach me now is that last week, when I was less burdened and stressed, He was God. Now, when I feel like my entire world is going to crumble around me, He is still God. Tomorrow and the days to come… He will still be God.
I’d always said that I’m a firm believer that with trials come blessings while some might believe the opposite.
Means more rocks to give up, I suppose.
But amongst the four jewels I now hold in my hand, I know i have four promises from God that He has given to me at this time. Although I’m not clear on what all 4 of them are (I think I’m really only sure on one), I have to learn to believe in my God who is the everlasting Lord of creation who holds my little life and that of my mother’s in His strong and firm hand.
::sigh:: Faith is hard.