my rocks

As I was talking with Jason and later Nicole tonight, I realized that there’s a number of things that are keeping my walk with God from well…… walking.

Laziness, lethargy, unwillingness to forgive, and sin in my life…… these are some of the rocks I hold in my hand that keep me from receiving jewels. These things hinder my walk.

But dropping all of the rocks at once is difficult….. and pretty much not possible.

One thing that’s difficult about being a girl is that generally….. people don’t expect us to struggle with lust and temptation that they expect guys to. And then those like me who do struggle with it sometimes, we just feel like freaks, I think. I don’t know who I can turn to to talk to about it or to even begin dealing with it. I guess……… I just don’t want to keep it a secret anymore because that’s how the devil gains a foothold on me. If I ignore it, then I don’t believe that Jesus has overcome it.

this pretty much might destroy what i’m perceived to be in many eyes. But well…… I don’t have it all together. I am not sinless. I’m not a symbol of purity. I have a lot of internal struggles with jealousy, lust, anger, and unbelief. I’m just a sinner who needs Jesus.

I can’t be articulate with this entry. It’s hard enough to just be honest.

But…… this doesn’t bind me anymore.

However, on a brighter note, what’s helping me with my walk is being able to see God working in everyday life. Seeing that… it gives a little ounce of hope, I think. Being able to catch a green turn signal after it had been green for a while, safe travels to school and other places, no matter how close or far… it’s all Jesus.

The other day, I was teaching a conducting lesson at Loara. It wasn’t one of my normal days to teach lessons, but I had a random mishap the day before, so I ended up not making it. In the middle of my lesson, my director is on his way out, and he suddenly backs up his car and calls out to me. From there on, he says to me, “You’re always here and helpin out, and you never ask for anything, so here you go.” And he gives me $100. O.o

If that wasn’t a Jesus thing, I dunno what is. O.o heh.

In the midst of my most trying financial time, Jesus shows me that He’s in the middle of it all with me.

This is what keeps me going. I want to be a person that God can take pleasure in. It hurts and shames me when I hurt and disobey God, but it’s seems like it’s just so easy to do, you know?

But I’ll keep going. This winter break is going to be a huge sabbath for me. =) And it’ll be a great time to kick start my “re-training” as well as spend loads of time with Jesus.

It’s about time, no?


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