In the middle of probably my most challenging and scary time, God still composes Himself very calm and… well, very “Dad-like,” I suppose.
I met Jesus on our little cliff again. Hands full of little things that I couldn’t drop. I tried to drop them, but I couldn’t. At first, I thought they were coins. What good can holding onto these coins do me? They alone are not enough to let me survive or buy me a meal. Yet if I continue to hold onto them, God cannot give me what I need to go on, to live rather than survive.
Then I thought of a story that Aimee shared with us last year during small group. The story was of a little girl who found pebbles by a lake, and they glistened and shone and were very pretty. The little girl picked them up, but soon saw that they were just rocks that really had no special beauty to them. She cried holding her rocks when her father offered her jewels if she could just let go of the stones in her hands. She cried to her father. She saw the stones as something beautiful and was largely disappointed. To believe that there is something better risks being disappointed again. She could not drop her stones, but every so often, one or two fell from her hands, and her father replaced them with a gem.
I began to wonder if the coins I held were like the rocks she held. Then I took a closer look and saw that in my hands, I was holding rocks as well. But I know how this story goes, so why don’t i let go? Why can’t I seem to drop them? Why did I keep holding them? God was promising me jewels and something valuable if I could just let go of the rocks I held in my hands.
And in my hand, I see a pretty purple gem in the shape of a heart.
A blue jewel.
They sit atop a bed of gravel and stone.
I feel like the more I realize I can’t do anything, the more I worry and fret. But what is it really going to do for me except destroy my health and cut my life a little shorter? In this time when I can’t do anything, the only option I have is to trust that God can give me what I need in the nick of time.
I fear not having a job. I fear not being able to keep up with rent and bills. Top Ramen is saving my stomach right now.
In my hands right now lie two gems on a bed of earth. Slowly and one by one, as I continue to walk with God and believe in His promises, a rock will fall to the ground and be replaced by a jewel so beautiful and so everlasting, that I cannot have any reason to believe God will ever fail me.