a covenantal lawsuit

I learned today that Jeremiah 2 was written to be an indictment brought forth by God against His people. I guess meaning that His people breached their covenant, and God has every right to “sue” them. Breaking a covenant is a super serious offense back then. If I remember correctly, punishable by death.

Israel sought out other gods to worship, and in their worship of these “worthless idols,” they “become worthless themselves” (HCSB). In their pursuit of other idols, Israel lost sight of its identity as the elect of God. They had forgotten all that God had brought them through in leading them out of Egypt and into a completely unpopulated land flowing with milk and honey. And they degraded this land that was a heritage from God.

Similarly, I’ve definitely been following other idols and became pretty useless. Heck, I did absolutely nothing the past two days but read comics. O.o Seriously. O.o Talk about following the worthless to become worthless and REALLY losing track of my calling.

I listed some of the wildernesses that God had brought me through, and here are a few:

  • freshman year of HS… which was redeemed to get me on the pathway that led me to Jesus
  • being out of state a year… I guess this helped me be much more independent of my mom and learn about the bible straight out of the bible to be able to defend my faith and make sure things line up
  • surviving Disney for 2 years (i’m totally at peace with leaving)
  • HIU (need I say more?? really… I think I might’ve found Disney more pleasant) … but this led me to CSUF where I’ll definitely graduate quicker… and this is where MBC helped me when it came to discernment
  • finding a place to live after coming back from MBC… always had a roof over my head, whether it was a garage or a borrowed space
  • brutal transfer process (I think all my paperwork is in!)

And a wilderness I’m currently experiencing is that of being unemployed and still having to be responsible for rent and bills. I think I’m slowly seeing light. =)

I guess the only way I can get through this one is if I keep my eye on Jesus and not forget all that He had done for me and led me through.


God is still God

It’s 2:30am, I’m completely exhausted, but there’s too much going through my head to sleep.

I feel like I don’t have enough faith or hope to go through all this, although, I’m really trying to believe and trust in God’s plan. God’s timing is so strange. Nothing’s going to get me out of this strange and awkward place except a miracle from God.

It comes time to test whether my joy these past few days and weeks was really joy, or if it was just happiness. If it was joy, I want to keep it flowing. If it was happiness, I want joy.

My hand holds a fourth jewel. Discovered it the other night. It’s red, and I’m not sure what it is. I’m not clear on 2 of them.

My mom says she wants to move out. This is probably the third time. I don’t quite know how to handle that cuz it seems like an answer to my prayer these past 2 years, but during this crazy time where things are more uncertain than they already were… God’s timing is strange. During this time when my mom’s income is not enough to support herself, let alone me… this time when I don’t have a job to support anyone… this time when my mom’s credit and income alone cannot give her a place to live… what’s going to happen?

It’s difficult for me not to worry. I mean… it’s my mom and I we’re talking about. But what scares me is whether or not I’m going to fall hardcore and emotionally break down like the last time she told me she was moving out. I don’t want to get caught up in it, but I can’t turn her loose to the world.

I’m trying to convince her to move back overseas. She has no confidence in herself, however, to find a job there. She also said she needs to pay back the PLUS loan for my college. That part feels like it’s my fault. Although I know it’ll pay off, it hurts me that she had to take out so much for me to finish.

What God’s trying to teach me now is that last week, when I was less burdened and stressed, He was God. Now, when I feel like my entire world is going to crumble around me, He is still God. Tomorrow and the days to come… He will still be God.

I’d always said that I’m a firm believer that with trials come blessings while some might believe the opposite.

Means more rocks to give up, I suppose.

But amongst the four jewels I now hold in my hand, I know i have four promises from God that He has given to me at this time. Although I’m not clear on what all 4 of them are (I think I’m really only sure on one), I have to learn to believe in my God who is the everlasting Lord of creation who holds my little life and that of my mother’s in His strong and firm hand.

::sigh:: Faith is hard.

insert thought-provoking title here

The pretty stones in my left hand are just pretty stones. They’re metamorphosed rocks, maybe pieces of sea glass. They’re pretty on the outside but have no real value.

I used this picture last time. It’s fitting, no?

The rocks in my right hand are topped with now 3 jewels. A new amber-colored one was added recently. I was thinking about it Sunday, and I think this new one might be a job. O.O So I’ve started to feel a little more peace about it (though I’m still pretty nervous). That blue one I still haven’t completely figured out. Later on Sunday, the idea that it might be a relationship came up, but that’s still to be confirmed. ::shrugs:: Guess I just gotta figure these out one by one.

Anywhoo, that’s about it for now. I am probably going to call Golden Spoon tomorrow to see if that one’s a go or not. O.o I didn’t get to today cuz I left my phone at Aimee’s familia’s place. O.o

peace and love.

lessons from Jeremiah chapter 1

Jeremiah 1:18 (HCSB): Today, I am the One who has made you a fortified city, an iron pillar, and bronze walls against the whole land — against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests, and the population.

When all of Israel goes against Jeremiah, his defense system cannot be battered.

Jeremiah 1:19 (HCSB): They will fight against you but never prevail over you, since I am with you to rescue you.

heart vs. head

logic says falling in love and getting involved right now is not a good ideabut……. the heart seldom listens to logic while maintaining the ability to stay truthful to itself

…… still, i’m kinda missing the other half of the equation right now. heh. aside from being a couple thousand miles away, i don’t even know what’s going on in his mind.

I never intended this to be a blog where I write crap about my non-existent love life. I think I tried to stay as far away from this as possible.

But at this point in time, I’m learning to love with my heart and not my head. Does that make sense? With guys I’ve “liked” in the past, I liked them cuz they kinda fit a little outline I had. So really, I liked their attributes more than I liked them. This one’s a little out of nowhere, and I think the first one I’ve actually been emotionally attached to. It wasn’t hard for me to like another person if he fell into the outline well enough, I suppose.

I’m more or less throwing the long-winded, ultra-detailed, specific and picky beyond reason outline out the window. I have certain things that I’m not willing to negotiate (see previous note), and I’ll keep to those, but I’m not going to add random stuff I don’t particularly need. Phil’s dad (Uncle John) goes with the 3 Cs: Christian, Chinese, and Cute. Phil added a C and said College. I think I can swap Chinese with College, though I would prefer Chinese for the sake of communicating with my mom.

I’m trusting that if it’s not gonna work, then Jesus will give me healing and strength to move on.

Guess I’ve grown up a little. =) … but just a little. >_<

my rocks

As I was talking with Jason and later Nicole tonight, I realized that there’s a number of things that are keeping my walk with God from well…… walking.

Laziness, lethargy, unwillingness to forgive, and sin in my life…… these are some of the rocks I hold in my hand that keep me from receiving jewels. These things hinder my walk.

But dropping all of the rocks at once is difficult….. and pretty much not possible.

One thing that’s difficult about being a girl is that generally….. people don’t expect us to struggle with lust and temptation that they expect guys to. And then those like me who do struggle with it sometimes, we just feel like freaks, I think. I don’t know who I can turn to to talk to about it or to even begin dealing with it. I guess……… I just don’t want to keep it a secret anymore because that’s how the devil gains a foothold on me. If I ignore it, then I don’t believe that Jesus has overcome it.

this pretty much might destroy what i’m perceived to be in many eyes. But well…… I don’t have it all together. I am not sinless. I’m not a symbol of purity. I have a lot of internal struggles with jealousy, lust, anger, and unbelief. I’m just a sinner who needs Jesus.

I can’t be articulate with this entry. It’s hard enough to just be honest.

But…… this doesn’t bind me anymore.

However, on a brighter note, what’s helping me with my walk is being able to see God working in everyday life. Seeing that… it gives a little ounce of hope, I think. Being able to catch a green turn signal after it had been green for a while, safe travels to school and other places, no matter how close or far… it’s all Jesus.

The other day, I was teaching a conducting lesson at Loara. It wasn’t one of my normal days to teach lessons, but I had a random mishap the day before, so I ended up not making it. In the middle of my lesson, my director is on his way out, and he suddenly backs up his car and calls out to me. From there on, he says to me, “You’re always here and helpin out, and you never ask for anything, so here you go.” And he gives me $100. O.o

If that wasn’t a Jesus thing, I dunno what is. O.o heh.

In the midst of my most trying financial time, Jesus shows me that He’s in the middle of it all with me.

This is what keeps me going. I want to be a person that God can take pleasure in. It hurts and shames me when I hurt and disobey God, but it’s seems like it’s just so easy to do, you know?

But I’ll keep going. This winter break is going to be a huge sabbath for me. =) And it’ll be a great time to kick start my “re-training” as well as spend loads of time with Jesus.

It’s about time, no?

deciding what to keep

As she sits at the church service, she ponders back to her recent encounter with her Savior at their designated meeting place.

it seems as though the load on her hands are lighter. she now no longer has to put them together in order to hold onto everything. in her right hand, she holds some stones and the 2 gems. In her left, there is one lone, decently large black gem.

Is it a gem or is it simply a rock with a pretty outer layer? What is the stone in her left hand? A job? A trial? Nothing at all?

She will be pondering this for quite a while until the answer is revealed to her. One thing is for sure, though… she must lose her heart in God’s in order to find the courage and strength to let go of the other rocks and decide what to keep.Align Center

exchanging rocks for precious stones

In the middle of probably my most challenging and scary time, God still composes Himself very calm and… well, very “Dad-like,” I suppose.

I met Jesus on our little cliff again. Hands full of little things that I couldn’t drop. I tried to drop them, but I couldn’t. At first, I thought they were coins. What good can holding onto these coins do me? They alone are not enough to let me survive or buy me a meal. Yet if I continue to hold onto them, God cannot give me what I need to go on, to live rather than survive.

Then I thought of a story that Aimee shared with us last year during small group. The story was of a little girl who found pebbles by a lake, and they glistened and shone and were very pretty. The little girl picked them up, but soon saw that they were just rocks that really had no special beauty to them. She cried holding her rocks when her father offered her jewels if she could just let go of the stones in her hands. She cried to her father. She saw the stones as something beautiful and was largely disappointed. To believe that there is something better risks being disappointed again. She could not drop her stones, but every so often, one or two fell from her hands, and her father replaced them with a gem.

I began to wonder if the coins I held were like the rocks she held. Then I took a closer look and saw that in my hands, I was holding rocks as well. But I know how this story goes, so why don’t i let go? Why can’t I seem to drop them? Why did I keep holding them? God was promising me jewels and something valuable if I could just let go of the rocks I held in my hands.

One dropped.

And in my hand, I see a pretty purple gem in the shape of a heart.

Another one.

A blue jewel.

They sit atop a bed of gravel and stone.

“What are these two gems?” I asked.

These are promises given to me by my Father. One represents His great love – a love that can do anything. The other… I’m actually not quite sure.

I feel like the more I realize I can’t do anything, the more I worry and fret. But what is it really going to do for me except destroy my health and cut my life a little shorter? In this time when I can’t do anything, the only option I have is to trust that God can give me what I need in the nick of time.

I fear not having a job. I fear not being able to keep up with rent and bills. Top Ramen is saving my stomach right now.

In my hands right now lie two gems on a bed of earth. Slowly and one by one, as I continue to walk with God and believe in His promises, a rock will fall to the ground and be replaced by a jewel so beautiful and so everlasting, that I cannot have any reason to believe God will ever fail me.

list of things to do these next 2 years

1) study harder, get good grades and scholarships (break senioritis)
2) better my Chinese (Canto and Mandarin)
3) learn piano
4) learn guitar
5) get a job and SAVE money!
6) live a healthier lifestyle (food-wise and exercise-wise)
7) learn how to cook more (gotta get ready to be a single woman living overseas by herself!)
8) learn other things I wanna learn while I still have time (ie. swimming, biking)
9) pay off credit card

list isn’t all that complicated……. gotta go for it!