healing?

I haven’t written in a while. Forgive me, readers. O.o

Well, lotsa stuff has been going on. Been busy moving for the most part. I just moved in with 3 very awesome girls from Intervarsity, and it actually feels like home. For the first time since high school, I feel like I come home and not just some place I live. The place looks great, and has lotsa storage for all my junk (I really need to go through it all, though.) My roommate has been letting me use her car to go to work, so it’s been really nice to be able to do that. No more 6:15am buses! woo hoo!

I went to small group Tuesday night, and we talked about the familiar story of the lame man in John 5:1-15. The first time I studied this passage was in last year’s small group, and we looked at a perspective that I never really noticed before. This lame man didn’t really want to be healed from his situation. When Jesus asked him if he wanted healing (vv. 6b), the man responded to Jesus’ yes/no question with a long winded complaint. He blamed the fact that he’s been unwell for 38 years on other people – those who get in front of him at the well in Bethsaida and those who don’t help him.

When told by the Jews that it was unlawful for him to carry his mat on the Sabbath, he quickly shifted blame to Jesus. Is it not sad that they didn’t see a miracle, but rather just that this guy, who probably couldn’t carry anything a few minutes before, was carrying his mat and going home? And is it not sad that this guy who totally just met with God blamed God for healing him? Jesus came to him again probably to give him a second chance, and he went away afterwards and told the Jews it was Jesus who healed him. Thus causing verse 16 to come about.

This guy who obviously needed healing didn’t want it. It seemed like he just wanted to be pitied.

When I think about it…… I wonder if I want healing. I started thinking about physical cuts and scrapes. In order for these to heal, they need to be cleaned to as to avoid infection. So here comes the peroxide or the rubbing alcohol on the opened wound. We were asked what things we need to be healed from, and I really started thinking hard about life up till now. I know what I need to be healed from now, I think. I need healing from family trauma. I’ve been severely hurt by people at church, my mom, my dad, my cousins and aunts and uncles. Our relationships are in shambles at this point.

I forget if I listed anything else, but I think this was the main jist of what I was thinking of. And as far as whether or not I’m willing to let Jesus heal me…… I really don’t know. I stated that I’m too prideful to ask for help, I’m too prideful to admit that I need it, and I’m too hurt to reface all of these pains, pour the peroxide, and deal with them.

I grew up very Chinese in that when conflicts come, we don’t address it. We give it time to cool off, and then we move on. No apologies, we just kinda forget about it. And so I guess I’m good at disguising my scars and my bruises and my open wounds.

But if I don’t deal with these things, I will bleed to death and become infected.

But I am not ready to ask for healing or to receive it.

I shared all of this during small group, and in all honesty, I have absolutely no idea why. I think about it now, and I wonder why I did that. It’s been a long time since I’ve made myself this vulnerable. And the only explanation that I can come up with is the crazy pounding I felt in my heart. I guess Jesus can come up with some crazy ideas on how to start healing. I’ve finally recognized the problem.

::sigh:: I suppose I’m a pretty messed up human being, but who isn’t? Still… from here, I don’t know where to go. I needed to say everything I said last night as scary as it all was, but from this point, I’m at a loss again.

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