It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve been back, and I’m still not on a regular schedule….. nor does it seem like I will be any time soon. Well, I suppose I’ll have to be since school starts on Monday.
I’m moving again. I’m going to move in with 3 girls from Intervarsity, which is much better, I think. The bad thing is…… I couldn’t tell my roommates that I don’t want to live with them anymore, so I told them that I might move back in with my mom instead. O.o I know…… blatant lie. -___-;; ::sigh::
I’m trying to figure out just what the heck I’m experiencing. I think I might be depressed again. Probably a big reason why I haven’t been sleeping. My heart has been feeling some really weird feelings….. maybe not weird, per se……. just all swirling together. Love, sadness, bitterness, happiness, regret, anger, longing, laughter, etc. They clash sometimes….. and when I’m feeling ALL of them…… yeah, I’m totally confused.
I often find myself neurotically checking my email or leaving my MSN on and seeing who might write me. Or neurotically refreshing Facebook. I miss my kids, but I think I’m making myself very desperate. Really, if their 21 year old teacher is needy and not being much of a leader, then she’s really not setting a very good example.
::sigh:: I need Jesus. I need a lot of Jesus.
Well, I think I’m off. I can’t quite figure out how I’m going to survive these next couple of years till I get to go back. God’s got something big planned for this heart of mine that cries out for HK. I have to keep believing that He’s got a purpose for me there. My confidence has wavered so much that I’m afraid to declare it now. I’m afraid that maybe I really won’t get to go back. But…… I have faith that God will take me back when the time is right. In all honesty, I don’t really see myself in CA much longer….. not past college.
We’ll see what happens, I guess.