an email I wrote to my team:
it’s a miki vulnerable moment.
I think that I’ve fallen into a bit of depression as I’m trying to process things. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that I’m moving again. It took a trip halfway around the world for me to realize that these are not the people I want to be living with. I am fully aware that they’ve had lives in July that forked away from mine, but I don’t think that they understand it. The initial excitement of my coming back wore off within hours.
And I’m hit with massive culture shock just being in this apartment. Going from being joined at the hip with 10 positive, uplifting, and fun people to being in an apt with a skeptical Buddhist, an OCD agnostic, and a sunday Christian is hitting me hard. It’s a 180 degree difference, and I haven’t really been able to process completely.
I haven’t slept well since coming back and crashing the first night (although I still woke up exhausted). As tired as I may be, I can never fall asleep at night. Five million and a half emotions are swirling around in me, and I feel numb cuz I can’t figure out which one I feel. Every so often, one leaks out.
Anger has probably leaked out the most. Anger towards people, anger towards myself, anger towards God. I’ve been asking God a lot of “why” questions. I know I have to wait, but I’m wondering why it hurts so much. Pushing away tears has bottled up a lot more anxiety than I had thought. I guess I need to protect myself sometimes before I protect others.
Sometimes God gives me random flashes of vivid images in my mind. Sometimes I’m not sure if it came from my brain. About a week or so ago, the image of a corner of my bible read “Psalm 143:3.” I couldn’t figure out why I was lead here, and I figured it was just me that night. I read it again last night (or morning), and here it is:
3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
And it continues like this:
4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
As I’m reading this, I can’t help but keep going to figure out where it goes:
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
These last 2 verses are exactly what I need to do. Remember the days and meditate on His works….. not just letting them turn to memory. And spreading out my hands to God in surrender and in humility, showing Him (and myself) how much I really need Him.
I still can’t quite figure out how I’m doing. Joyce and I have been emailing a bit with practical things I can do. My heart is tired. And as tired as my eyes are, I really might just need a good cry.
anywhoo……. yeah. I’m going to leave it at that.