Psalm 143:3

an email I wrote to my team:

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

hey everyone.

it’s a miki vulnerable moment.

I think that I’ve fallen into a bit of depression as I’m trying to process things. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that I’m moving again. It took a trip halfway around the world for me to realize that these are not the people I want to be living with. I am fully aware that they’ve had lives in July that forked away from mine, but I don’t think that they understand it. The initial excitement of my coming back wore off within hours.

And I’m hit with massive culture shock just being in this apartment. Going from being joined at the hip with 10 positive, uplifting, and fun people to being in an apt with a skeptical Buddhist, an OCD agnostic, and a sunday Christian is hitting me hard. It’s a 180 degree difference, and I haven’t really been able to process completely.

I haven’t slept well since coming back and crashing the first night (although I still woke up exhausted). As tired as I may be, I can never fall asleep at night. Five million and a half emotions are swirling around in me, and I feel numb cuz I can’t figure out which one I feel. Every so often, one leaks out.

Anger has probably leaked out the most. Anger towards people, anger towards myself, anger towards God. I’ve been asking God a lot of “why” questions. I know I have to wait, but I’m wondering why it hurts so much. Pushing away tears has bottled up a lot more anxiety than I had thought. I guess I need to protect myself sometimes before I protect others.

Sometimes God gives me random flashes of vivid images in my mind. Sometimes I’m not sure if it came from my brain. About a week or so ago, the image of a corner of my bible read “Psalm 143:3.” I couldn’t figure out why I was lead here, and I figured it was just me that night. I read it again last night (or morning), and here it is:

3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

And it continues like this:

4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.

As I’m reading this, I can’t help but keep going to figure out where it goes:

5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

These last 2 verses are exactly what I need to do. Remember the days and meditate on His works….. not just letting them turn to memory. And spreading out my hands to God in surrender and in humility, showing Him (and myself) how much I really need Him.

I still can’t quite figure out how I’m doing. Joyce and I have been emailing a bit with practical things I can do. My heart is tired. And as tired as my eyes are, I really might just need a good cry.

anywhoo……. yeah. I’m going to leave it at that.

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what’s going on???

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve been back, and I’m still not on a regular schedule….. nor does it seem like I will be any time soon. Well, I suppose I’ll have to be since school starts on Monday.

I’m moving again. I’m going to move in with 3 girls from Intervarsity, which is much better, I think. The bad thing is…… I couldn’t tell my roommates that I don’t want to live with them anymore, so I told them that I might move back in with my mom instead. O.o I know…… blatant lie. -___-;; ::sigh::

I’m trying to figure out just what the heck I’m experiencing. I think I might be depressed again. Probably a big reason why I haven’t been sleeping. My heart has been feeling some really weird feelings….. maybe not weird, per se……. just all swirling together. Love, sadness, bitterness, happiness, regret, anger, longing, laughter, etc. They clash sometimes….. and when I’m feeling ALL of them…… yeah, I’m totally confused.

I often find myself neurotically checking my email or leaving my MSN on and seeing who might write me. Or neurotically refreshing Facebook. I miss my kids, but I think I’m making myself very desperate. Really, if their 21 year old teacher is needy and not being much of a leader, then she’s really not setting a very good example.

::sigh:: I need Jesus. I need a lot of Jesus.

Well, I think I’m off. I can’t quite figure out how I’m going to survive these next couple of years till I get to go back. God’s got something big planned for this heart of mine that cries out for HK. I have to keep believing that He’s got a purpose for me there. My confidence has wavered so much that I’m afraid to declare it now. I’m afraid that maybe I really won’t get to go back. But…… I have faith that God will take me back when the time is right. In all honesty, I don’t really see myself in CA much longer….. not past college.

We’ll see what happens, I guess.

the present and the future

I feel like my brain might be too tired to really put everything into words, but i will try my best.

I am having difficulty finding purpose in being back. It almost feels like a pitstop to going back to HK after college. But each pitstop has its purpose, too. There’s going to be plenty of things that I will have to learn before going back, and I guess that’s what this pitstop is for. I will have to listen closely to God’s voice and teaching.

Since coming back, my confidence in returning to HK has wavered because there are more distractions at this point. I really need to work hard and fill myself with Jesus while I’m here. And I guess in a selfish way, I’m afraid that after a few months, my kids won’t miss me as much… and we won’t talk as much… and we’ll fall away. Distance and time often makes people forget. =/

I called one of my kids through Skype yesterday. He was still trying to wake up, but he said that he misses me a lot. I miss him, too. And all of my kids. It’s been difficult being back in this apartment with non-Christian roommates who more or less don’t care about the life-changing aspect of the trip, but just want to hear about what HK is like by itself.

Everything else that I’m used to worrying about…….. I know I need to just stop worrying. If God’s already got me down for HK, then being in the US is already taken care of.

I think this is all I can fathom for right now. O.o

hooray for jet lag

it is 5:22am and I can’t sleep a wink! I can’t tell if it’s jet lag or an emotional thing anymore.

I came back Sunday afternoon, and it was the longest day ever. O.o I couldn’t sleep much that night, and all the kids bombarded me on MSN, so I stayed up and chatted with them. It was very nice talking to students that I knew and even some that I didn’t.

I think more than anything, I have trouble sleeping because I keep thinking about my kids. I miss them a lot, and I miss them dreadfully sometimes.

It was the hardest thing to leave this time. I cried the last night we were there. I have known that my heart was for Hong Kong for a very long time. I think it was upon leaving this time that I realized it has been in Hong Kong as well.

It’s a difficult thing to wrestle with that I have to wait before I can go back. Upon coming back to the US, the enemy has been whispering his lies to me once again. I am sure that God wants me back there, but my confidence has wavered. I am afraid of not living up to the promise that I’ve made to come back. I’m afraid of disappointing my kids.

But I know that they are in my future, and there are many other people I can touch. So during this time in the US, I will have to work hard and fill myself with truths to counter those lies. And along with doing such…… get enough rest so I have the energy to do it! =P

Oyyy….. it’s gonna be a long day.

Add oil! 🙂