can’t keep eyes shut…

I think I’m still in shock. I’m tired, I’m numb, I’m scared, I’m sad…… and I’m about a million other emotions right now, but they all seem to be warring and almost cancelling each other out.

I’m really awake because there’s so much going through my mind. My heart hurts, but it feels like I’ve already upped my defenses on it.

When I was driving home today and crying (which is a terrible mixture), “I Still Believe” by Jeremy Camp came on the radio. He wrote and sang this when his wife passed away. Do I have the faith that he possessed to be able to praise God and walk by faith? I really don’t know.

Everything that just happened more or less made it impossible for me to rescind my two weeks. Who knows if they’d grant me leave?

But amongst all the crazy stuff, I went to IV tonight. I felt like I didn’t want to, but I went. I dropped off my mom at home so we could talk, pray, and process through it all, so I went quite late into the message. But even that last little bit of the message spoke volumes. They talked about Joseph and the betrayal he experienced. But the thing noted most was that the LORD was with Joseph. From beginning to end, the LORD was with Joseph.

And it gives me hope that the LORD is also with me.

Eric called me out of the crowd today and gave me a hug. He asked me if I was okay, and I said, “no,” and began bawling. He brought me down and grabbed people to pray for me and for my grandfather and my family. I only told them what was physically going on, but I was so encouraged because Eric prayed for my grandfather spiritually and for my family spiritually… to see God’s work and come to a saving knowledge of Him.

That assured me that the LORD is with me.

The journey’s getting rough, wouldn’t you say? Narrow road’s got some thorny stuff on the sides.

but I gotta keep trekking.

I still don’t know what I’m feeling, or even what I should be feeling, but I am hoping and praying for peace.

peace and love.

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