I got back from Spring Con with IV on Friday, and honestly, I had the most amazing time.
I’d never done a study like we did this past week.
And I’ve never experienced God the way I am now because of it.
I’ve been feeling for the past couple of months that I need to quit my job. And it’s evident that I’ve been looking…. heck, 52+ people have had a copy of my resume in their inbox at one point in time or another! IV people have said that they’ve been hearing it from me for a while, but I still hadn’t done it! But I kept asking God… over and over, especially that week. And for a while, I think I just stopped just cuz I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer. But no matter how much I didn’t want to hear the answer, God definitely kept giving it to me. I think the first time I mentioned it to someone was around December or January. Maybe February. I talked with Roommate B, and she told me that’s a drastic move and that I should be sure about it before I make it. That translated in my brain to be “don’t do it.” I think I talked with Roommate A, as well, and she asked me how I was going to support myself. And that’s the same question everyone else asked.
But I think that’s exactly it. Within that one question was 2 pronouns that dealt with me, with how I was going to take care of myself. It’s a really good question, and I think I used it as the reasons I shouldn’t do it. I put on some blinders because I knew I needed to survive in this world, and this job was what was helping me do so.
Blinders may seem like a good idea to keep from straying, but if all you can see is the path that strays from the good path, what good is it, really? I was walking on the path of survival, but I’m sick of it. I don’t just want to survive… I want to live.
We talked this past week about the parable of the soils (among other things), and it seems like I resemble the rocky soil and the thorny soil most of the time. I get some great spiritual highs from retreats and messages, but then it just as quickly tends to die. And I see the thorny stuff come out even as I weigh the reasons why I didn’t want to quit. I had a lot of seniority, the contract has changed so I wouldn’t get the same benefits if I ever hired back, I knew how to do my job well, the perks of going to Disneyland whenever I had the time (which lately, has been next to nothing), and the perks of taking people in, and having random discounts even outside of the resort (phone bill, gym, etc). It’s getting pretty thorny, wouldn’t you say? And my reasons to do it? I want to follow what God wants me to do and depend on Him for a while. I want to experience life. Numerically, the thorns outnumber the opposing team, but the opposing team outweighs the thorns.
So on April 4th, when I came back home and went to work a few hours later, I put in my two weeks. April 4th marked 1 year and 10 months for me.
It was so much harder than I had expected it to be.
But I did it.
I talked with one of my leads that night. He almost fell backwards when I told him. O.o And he was sad along with everyone else, but he said something to me that was so encouraging. He told me that he used to be really spiritual (not religious, spiritual), and he went to church 5 days a week. And when he started working at Disney, it dwindled to 4, 3, and eventually it’s been 5-6 years since he’s been to church. And he said to me, “Put God first, and everything else will fall into place.” Keep in mind, we were on-stage with many guests around. O.o For him to say that to me was, in its own way, empowering.
I also thought a lot about the passage that talked of Jesus walking on water toward the disciples after feeding the 5,000. The waves were about 180 meters tall, I think it said. And they couldn’t see Jesus. So I thought about the waves in my life that were keeping me from seeing Jesus. I put a face to just about all of them: mom, mom’s boyfriend, their relationship, my job, my need for financial stability, my family….. etc. But amongst the scariness of the storm, Jesus is walking towards me, and if I let Him on my boat, He’ll calm the waters.
I don’t want to not recognize Him when He passes by me… I want Him to come into the boat.
So this is where I am now. I found a little fork in my road and threw out the blinders. It’s a narrow road, but I think it’ll be one heck of an adventure.
peace and love.