one life to live

It’s funny how so many of my lessons I learn through video games. O.o

So one of the greatest games ever is Final Fantasy VII. It’s also got one of the most tragic stories.

Cloud Strife is the main character. He kinda had an identity crisis where he thought he was Zack at one point. Well, Zack was the guy that befriended him and took him under his wing when he became part of Soldier. (He also looks eerily like Cloud except with dark hair.) When Zack died, Cloud promised he would live out both their lives for them.

But by doing so, he can’t live out either of their lives.

Cloud can’t be with Tifa, whom he loves, because he has to live Zack’s life, and Zack’s girl is dead. (not sure if Cloud really had a thing for her, too, or not. O.o I choose to believe that he loves Tifa most, though. =D)

And I realized this for my life. If I continue to try to live out my mom’s life with mine, I can’t live for either of us. I can’t live. Period.

And it’s not like she really needs me to live out her life. She’s living it perfectly fine, even though she could do better. -____-;; But I can’t take it away from her that she’s living her life.

So I guess it’s long overdue that I live mine.

I tried to max out my hours for my school job. I was thinking that I wanted to work a full 8 hour shift on Fridays, but as I thought about it last night… this is exactly why I quit Disney. I’m worrying about how crazy it’s going to be and how I’m going to be able to make ends meet. This was the reason why I was called to surrender. I’m supposed to be living by faith, but if I kept going with this, I would’ve done the workaholic thing all over again and tried to be self-sufficient.

I did need more hours than I was working previously. Nine hours a week on minimum wage was not going to cut it. But right now, I’m working about 17 hours a week, which I still need to penny pinch, but it’s definitely better.

Anywhoo… yep. I guess that was a little sidequest. 🙂

Cloud is a pretty awesome character, but a duty and promise he placed on himself bound him, and wherever he went, sorrow followed him. I think in Advent Children, he might’ve finally let go (I think that’s what the wolf showing up 3 times was supposed to symbolize), but who knows.

I just know that I want to start living my life now.

peace and love.

how am i doing?

I think that asking someone how someone else is doing is an important thing to do. It definitely is. It shows the person you are asking that you genuinely care.

But it seems like some times, this is just a default question. What else can you ask? And then sometimes we don’t bother to hear the answer to our question.

And for those who answer… what should we say? Fine? Good? Well (that’d be proper English)? We usually default to these ones.

The question “how are you doing?” has been thrown at me a lot during these past couple of days. This past week. This past month. I’m almost numb to it, it seems. I don’t think there’s really another question that anyone can think of to ask. I can’t think of anything either.

How am I doing?

I wish to God I knew.

But as the initial shock is wearing off, I’m starting to feel again. Angry. Frustrated. Tired. Numb. Peace. Worry. Faithful. Confused. Unknowing.

That is what I’m beginning to feel.

But how do I voice this?

How are you doing? I’m angry.

How are you doing? I’m sad.

How are you doing? I’m holding on for dear life.

How are you doing? I’m scared.

How are you doing? I’m worried.

How are you doing? I’m tired.

How are you doing? … I don’t know anymore.

This is how I’m doing.

Dec 1917 – Apr 2008 (the email)

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At around midnight US time, my grandfather left. My uncle said that Grandpa looked peaceful when he died, though, so praise God for His mercy and faithfulness.

A million and a half emotions are raging for me right now… confusion… guilt… sadness… regret…

But I have a feeling that God was with him through it all. Whether or not he came to faith at the end is beyond me, but I know that God was right next to him. And that gives me a little peace.

Thank you all for your prayers. Please continue praying for my family. I don’t know how everyone’s feeling… indifferent, grieving, whatever. My mom’s passport expired, but I think her brothers are going to try to do something about getting her over there, which is good… it’s probably the first thing they’ve done in her interest in years. So yeah… pray for healing in my family. Emotionally within ourselves and with each other. Maybe reconciliation and forgiveness can come soon after.

Thanks again.

peace and love…

grandpa

Thanks, everyone, for all your prayers.

My grandfather’s been released from the hospital, but I’m still holding on for a miracle.

According to my uncle, Grandpa wouldn’t be able to recognize any of us if we were standing right in front of him. I don’t know if it has to do with his eyesight and hearing, or if it might be something more on the mental side. It kinda sucks getting info handed down the chain, but I’m thankful for any news right now.

So please keep praying. It’s one heckuva pitstop that I’m taking right now. But I guess really….. I might have just hit a desert. =/ It’s a little difficult to trust right now, but I’m gonna keep trying.

peace and love.

can’t keep eyes shut…

I think I’m still in shock. I’m tired, I’m numb, I’m scared, I’m sad…… and I’m about a million other emotions right now, but they all seem to be warring and almost cancelling each other out.

I’m really awake because there’s so much going through my mind. My heart hurts, but it feels like I’ve already upped my defenses on it.

When I was driving home today and crying (which is a terrible mixture), “I Still Believe” by Jeremy Camp came on the radio. He wrote and sang this when his wife passed away. Do I have the faith that he possessed to be able to praise God and walk by faith? I really don’t know.

Everything that just happened more or less made it impossible for me to rescind my two weeks. Who knows if they’d grant me leave?

But amongst all the crazy stuff, I went to IV tonight. I felt like I didn’t want to, but I went. I dropped off my mom at home so we could talk, pray, and process through it all, so I went quite late into the message. But even that last little bit of the message spoke volumes. They talked about Joseph and the betrayal he experienced. But the thing noted most was that the LORD was with Joseph. From beginning to end, the LORD was with Joseph.

And it gives me hope that the LORD is also with me.

Eric called me out of the crowd today and gave me a hug. He asked me if I was okay, and I said, “no,” and began bawling. He brought me down and grabbed people to pray for me and for my grandfather and my family. I only told them what was physically going on, but I was so encouraged because Eric prayed for my grandfather spiritually and for my family spiritually… to see God’s work and come to a saving knowledge of Him.

That assured me that the LORD is with me.

The journey’s getting rough, wouldn’t you say? Narrow road’s got some thorny stuff on the sides.

but I gotta keep trekking.

I still don’t know what I’m feeling, or even what I should be feeling, but I am hoping and praying for peace.

peace and love.

i need prayer for my family (copied bulletin post)

hello everyone!

well…… that was about as chipper as i can be right now. i think 5 million and a half emotions are flooding me right now.

my grandfather is in his last stage of lung cancer. i never even knew he had lung cancer. my cousin sent me a message earlier in the afternoon telling me that my grandpa’s been admitted into the hospital and that if we wanted to visit, we should do it soon.

they’re telling us that he’s got about 1 to 2 more weeks.

please be praying for my family during this time. we’re finally beginning to connect and talk again, so pray for peace and reconciliation to take nest a bit. Also pray for comfort emotionally and physically for us and for my grandfather especially.

my grandfather is also not a believer, so i’m praying for a miracle right now, that God will reveal Himself in an amazing way to my grandpa these next possible 2 weeks. And if it’s in His will that healing comes, then great, but if not… then pray for a peaceful departure, void of pain.

thanks, guys.

there’s a possibility i’ll be flying over to Hong Kong to visit him, but I don’t know if I would be able to stay for very long, or even attend a Buddhist funeral, but just pray for me, too, that I do what God wants me to do.

thanks again.

peace and love.

miracles and healing

Hello, faithful blogger readers.

I just got word from my cousin via Facebook that my grandfather is really sick and has recently been admitted to the hospital.

So I don’t know what’s going on and what’s going to happen, but please be praying for my family. Pray for healing emotionally between all of us in our family.

Pray Jesus does something great during this trying time.

peace and love.

oh, the doubts

what do i do?

i’m wondering if i should quit my job now. =/

i’ve got 4 days to rescind my 2 weeks should i choose to.

i’ve been wondering if i should bug God about it, but I keep thinking that He’ll just tell me He answered me pretty loud and clear already.

much prayers, please.

Follow Me

You know… the other night when I was still wrestling with whether or not I should quit my job, it was a pretty intense match between me and God, but well….. no “winner” was found, but a very clear answer came out of it.

I was asking a lot of questions from whether or not it’s the right thing to do, to when I should do it, to whether or not I was reading it right…. etc. In the end, I asked a lot of “what are You trying to show me”s and “what are You trying to tell me”s. The weirdest thing is I got a picture of a corner of a page in a bible in my head, and it said “Luke 5:27.”

Now, I was at the top bunk next to an open wall, it was past midnight, and I was freezing, so I didn’t look it up right away. I thought it’d be interesting if that were the actual corner of my bible, but when I looked it up, my corner said “Luke 5:37.” oh, well.

Anywhoo, I digress. I looked it up the next morning, and it was the calling of Matthew, in which Jesus said, “Follow Me.”

Pretty straightforward answer, no?

I got to work out in Pin Traders again tonight, and it was nice. I love the people out there. I love the leads, and they’re all sad that I’m leaving, but well….. I’m not going to be gone forever. That’s the beauty of living so close to Disneyland; I can always come back and visit. 🙂

And tonight while I was working, I tried to be good soil. I was talking to a co-worker of mine who had one perspective of Christianity/the Bible/Christians, and with a little courage, I talked to him about what they all truly were versus the perspectives we tend to take from the people we see in the media or with the picketing signs and whatnot. I dunno what’s gonna happen from here, but there’s a mustard seed planted.

I’m still really sick (I think a number of us still are), so please continue to pray for me in that area, too! I don’t really know where the next stop is going to be yet…… I think I’m kinda just waiting it out for right now. I can only digest one shocking thing at a time, I think. O.o The shock of putting in my two weeks still hasn’t worn off, and to be honest, I really want to rescind it and keep working there.

::sigh::

peace and love.

a narrow fork

I got back from Spring Con with IV on Friday, and honestly, I had the most amazing time.

I’d never done a study like we did this past week.

And I’ve never experienced God the way I am now because of it.

I’ve been feeling for the past couple of months that I need to quit my job. And it’s evident that I’ve been looking…. heck, 52+ people have had a copy of my resume in their inbox at one point in time or another! IV people have said that they’ve been hearing it from me for a while, but I still hadn’t done it! But I kept asking God… over and over, especially that week. And for a while, I think I just stopped just cuz I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer. But no matter how much I didn’t want to hear the answer, God definitely kept giving it to me. I think the first time I mentioned it to someone was around December or January. Maybe February. I talked with Roommate B, and she told me that’s a drastic move and that I should be sure about it before I make it. That translated in my brain to be “don’t do it.” I think I talked with Roommate A, as well, and she asked me how I was going to support myself. And that’s the same question everyone else asked.

But I think that’s exactly it. Within that one question was 2 pronouns that dealt with me, with how I was going to take care of myself. It’s a really good question, and I think I used it as the reasons I shouldn’t do it. I put on some blinders because I knew I needed to survive in this world, and this job was what was helping me do so.

Blinders may seem like a good idea to keep from straying, but if all you can see is the path that strays from the good path, what good is it, really? I was walking on the path of survival, but I’m sick of it. I don’t just want to survive… I want to live.

We talked this past week about the parable of the soils (among other things), and it seems like I resemble the rocky soil and the thorny soil most of the time. I get some great spiritual highs from retreats and messages, but then it just as quickly tends to die. And I see the thorny stuff come out even as I weigh the reasons why I didn’t want to quit. I had a lot of seniority, the contract has changed so I wouldn’t get the same benefits if I ever hired back, I knew how to do my job well, the perks of going to Disneyland whenever I had the time (which lately, has been next to nothing), and the perks of taking people in, and having random discounts even outside of the resort (phone bill, gym, etc). It’s getting pretty thorny, wouldn’t you say? And my reasons to do it? I want to follow what God wants me to do and depend on Him for a while. I want to experience life. Numerically, the thorns outnumber the opposing team, but the opposing team outweighs the thorns.

So on April 4th, when I came back home and went to work a few hours later, I put in my two weeks. April 4th marked 1 year and 10 months for me.

It was so much harder than I had expected it to be.

But I did it.

I talked with one of my leads that night. He almost fell backwards when I told him. O.o And he was sad along with everyone else, but he said something to me that was so encouraging. He told me that he used to be really spiritual (not religious, spiritual), and he went to church 5 days a week. And when he started working at Disney, it dwindled to 4, 3, and eventually it’s been 5-6 years since he’s been to church. And he said to me, “Put God first, and everything else will fall into place.” Keep in mind, we were on-stage with many guests around. O.o For him to say that to me was, in its own way, empowering.

I also thought a lot about the passage that talked of Jesus walking on water toward the disciples after feeding the 5,000. The waves were about 180 meters tall, I think it said. And they couldn’t see Jesus. So I thought about the waves in my life that were keeping me from seeing Jesus. I put a face to just about all of them: mom, mom’s boyfriend, their relationship, my job, my need for financial stability, my family….. etc. But amongst the scariness of the storm, Jesus is walking towards me, and if I let Him on my boat, He’ll calm the waters.

I don’t want to not recognize Him when He passes by me… I want Him to come into the boat.

So this is where I am now. I found a little fork in my road and threw out the blinders. It’s a narrow road, but I think it’ll be one heck of an adventure.

peace and love.