me, me, me… learning to love aside from "me"

I guess with this post, I stand corrected on my earlier statement that this blog will just have entries from my prayer journal. This one’s coming from the gut.

I sit here thinking about how badly I want to move off campus. I do want to, but I think a lot of times when I say this, what I’m really saying is “I want to get away from my roommates.”

I’m having trouble loving them, and I guess that mainly stems out of how much I’m annoyed at what they do sometimes as well as how incredibly different and alike we are. I guess when you have similar personalities and experiences that are expressed in very different ways, it’s a recipe for a headache. There are so many things that I consider to be “common decency,” but sometimes I wonder if they know what that means. For now, I’m just going to name them Roommate A and Roommate B.

Roommate A tries a little harder, I think. She knows when I’m sleeping, and if she makes a mistake when she doesn’t realize that I still am, she fixes it and apologizes. Roommate B, however, I seriously wonder what goes through her mind. We’ve talked about how the door slams behind her. I’ve left notes asking her not to do that. We talked one night after I sent her a text message to iron things out so we can stop driving Roommate A crazy. Roommate B told me she was going to try to be more respectful with closing the door and when she plays her music. Next morning. Door slams. Music plays in bathroom. I’m assuming she believes that by playing it in an “enclosed area” like the bathroom, it wouldn’t bother me. So not the case. Our bathroom echoes so much and the door is hollow. These two things together raise the volume a good couple notches. And the other morning, she BLASTED her music to the point where I had to get up and knock on the door. And Roommate B has not slept in this room for the past couple nights, so I can’t really even begin to talk to her. She rearranged her side of the room today, and the new decor kind of closes herself off from us… after she complained that we always talk to each other and how she’s alone on the other side.

See what I mean? While I do want to move off campus, I feel like I do harbor a lot of ill feelings toward both my roommates, but one more so than the other, and it’s a crappy feeling.

Roommate A offered to stay up with me as I tried to read a little more tonight because I stayed up with her the other night when she needed to do her homework, but I told her it didn’t matter too much to me (mainly because I knew she wanted to sleep, and she wouldn’t be able to stay up for much longer anyway. She left her lamp on for me, but when I came over to the computer, she said she couldn’t leave it on anymore, said sorry, turned it off and went back to sleep.

I was a little upset because it’s not like I had any say in anything.

And so the thoughts of how I’m always respectful when I come in came into mind. I wondered why she couldn’t be a little more respectful. And as I thought more, the more frustrated and angry I grew. And suddenly, I stopped. I stopped and thought about how much attention I had been focusing onto myself.

I watched Princess Diaries with Roommate A tonight (instead of reading), and at the end, Mia talks about realizing how many times she said “I.” And it hit me at that moment how much of my thoughts centered on myself and how I thought I should be treated by everyone else. (And so I had to come here and write it all down before I forgot and/or prided myself on anything.) I tried to look on the sunny side of things a little more, and I realized… there are some things that I do better than she does and there are some things she does better than I do. And maybe being quiet when I leave early in the morning for class or whatever, or come into the room late at night after I come home from work or IV is something I do better. One heckuva talent, eh? ha.

And then I wasn’t so angry anymore.

And I started thinking….. how much of the time between when I came home from Multnomah and now centered around the thought of what I deserved to be treated and how I thought things should go for me. Or even before then. But I think it was more evident during this time because things weren’t going my way. Things were out of control, out of my hand, and I just wanted to say to God, “what the HECK?”

I never said to God, “what are You doing to me?” but with my thoughts and actions, I definitely thought that what was going on was not something I deserved or should go through.

I guess this is why life has been so hard since 2006. I lost sight of what was more important and began a self-pity that leads me to where I am now. So I guess I really do know how to be selfish; I already know that pretty well. But I’m a people pleaser, and I’ve been one all my life. If someone asked me to do something or get something, no matter how minuscule, I’d do it because they asked me to. Maybe it was programmed into me from how I grew up, or maybe I just wanted people to like me. I really don’t know which. I guess for this reason, people thought I was very selfless and sacrificing, and I may even have thought so at one point.

A lot of what has been hurting me is seeing how much my mom is worth and the fear that she will never come back to walk on the path of light, but a lot of it is also that it’s going in a way that I don’t want it to go because it’s hurting me.

So really… I don’t need to learn how to be selfish every so often. I need to learn to be more self-sacrificing because Jesus was self-sacrificing. Not so people would think I’m selfless and praise me, but because Jesus wants me to be like Him.

Every time I write entries like this –long and thought out– I wonder to myself whether I’m writing to vent and be real or if I’m simply writing for an audience, to fool them into believing I’m this deep, thought-provoking person. But for the first time ever, I’m writing for me. Yes, I do have in mind what my audience might think, but really….. a lot of what I wrote was just coming into my mind as I wrote it. (and then I come back and edit neurotically for grammar multiple times after publishing.)

God is moving within all of this and slowly removing the scales from my eyes so that with each breath, I see clearer and clearer.

peace and love.

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