It’s been a while, yeah? I’m sorry.
So all these things I’ve been carrying and afraid to drop… are they worth it? The world keeps stacking more and more on, it seems. And I’m left carrying all of it while still trying to live life.
I remember years ago when Peter Liu blogged about having an image of himself carrying blocks of wood and trying not to drop them, each piece of wood representing something in his life. And then he realized that these were what You were nailed to.
I don’t know why I thought of that. I guess it’s just the picture of trying to carry so much. I’ve been saying since this mess began that I’m “hanging on” or “I’m hanging in there.” But really… what am I trying to hang onto? What am I hanging in? It’s obvious these things aren’t satisfying. They don’t build me up or make me more whole. So why do I keep on doing this?
I’m just going through the motions now. The sadness and the pain have been numbed. I’m just sitting here. I’m just walking along.
I want to live. I want to experience what life You have to offer really is. I want to start living for myself and You and no one else. Everyone else’s expectations don’t matter. And Your expectations are simply that I trust and have faith in You and let You carry my burdens. I can’t even remember what Your yoke was. I just remember You promising it was light.
All these things that I’ve burdened myself with… they’re really heavy. So they can’t be the things You want me to carry. So teach me how to let go? My hands feel bound. Can You release me? Can You give feeling back to my arms so I realize that I really am carrying a lot?
I need faith that will help me let go. I need faith to believe that the things worth catching, You will catch. And the things not worth catching, we can just let fall and break. And for the things that get bruised along the way… that You will heal them and nurture them back to health.
So this thing with my mom… this relationship that was supposed to be good and beautiful… it’s become a burden for me. And that’s not what it should be. It’s far from what it should be. And I can’t make it back into what it should be. I’ve been thinking that I’m the one who broke it, but that’s probably not entirely true. I’ve been believing so many lies that it’s getting hard to even see what truth is.
I seriously give this to You. For the first time, I seriously hand it over, and I will only do what You want me to do with it. I know I’ll probably try to steal it back and snatch it quickly from Your hands, but when I do… please remind me of this promise I’m making now. And please remind me of Your faithfulness and love and Your promise to … be my Father, my loving Father, who loves me forever.
Thank You for giving me the courage and time to finally write that letter to my mom. I hope that the message goes back to You, and that she will start to look to You again.
Please show her how to trust in You. Show her who You are to her. Show what You’ve done for her and what she means to You, that she is so precious that You thought of her as You groaned upon that ominous tree.
And please show me how to live for me. And for You. Please walk with me as I try to find out my real identity apart from the roles I used to play and the names that were given to me.
I seriously give this to You. I’m letting go with as much faith as I can muster that You will catch me, and that everything I was carrying in my arms will go exactly where You want them to. That You’ll catch what should be caught and nurture it the way only You know how. And let fall what should fall and let it be washed away with the tide.
My hands are open. I’m not holding on anymore.
I love You. Thank You for peace.
Love, Your daughter,